Me trying to Construct my Reality Today

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It is April 1st ,,2018.It has been drizzling the whole day but l am not complaining,for

I have no plans .l am sitting in my two-bedroomed rented apartment in Dellbruck Mausfad,Germany,

In the city of Köln, mother to the famous Dom Cathedral and home to the Chocolate Museum.

I have been looking at my apartment and today more than any other day feeling all the antique furniture

and wondering if l too am becoming antique.(in 8 days to be precise l will be 59 years old.).

Today , l decided to confront the child inside me… but before l go there let me elaborate a bit.

“How come l have not hit the mark?..in my Career ,Personal intimate life or even in motherhood?”

Today is the remembrance of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of humankind.

“Why then am l experiencing tides of weakness,of missing out,of unfulfillment of lacking partnership,

a warm hug or a cuddle?”l want to go to the church,but l can’t.l am scared of having my positive

perception of God’s House as a place of love,safety,kind words and inclusion meddled worth.

I want to dress up warmly and cutely and go to my local pub,in search of other lonely souls like me,

but l am fearful of the repetitive cycle of alcoholism getting a tight hold of me and more so the

terrible hangovers and feelings of regret that accompany me for the next two to three days.

Now ,l am going back to two years when l was five yearsin 1964 and when l was 12 years in 1971,

and l want my inner child and my teenage adolescent child to help me remember,

“What were my dreams?Where did my laughter go?Do you two recognizer yourselves in me today?”

As l await my answers ,l will open my heart from all distractions ,and hold the results true

so l can move on and live my purpose which l know not with clarity NOW!

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